25 November 2009

Romance covers

I was having a chuckle at some romance covers the other day and thought it might be fun to post a few. I know we've all laughed at some of the old-fashioned bodice ripper covers, but modern covers can be just as embarrassing to be seen with in public. We all know authors have almost zero input into their covers so I hope by putting up some recent covers I don't jinx myself - I will add that I like my first cover.

These covers come from a competition that's run every year and I've added comments from the voters :)

2000: - ...This is the most attractive man in an extremely buff SEAL team of extremely attractive men?
- ...choices of colors used on the cover... ack. Big Ugly
-...while the line is Tall, Dark and Dangerous, the cover shows Short, Chubby and Goofy.
[NB - from LD: like most of Brockmann's books this good is a good read, definitely not one to judge by it's cover]

2002: - is the heroine was really doing what we think she's doing?
-surely someone in the art department noticed that the hero was getting a hand job. What really makes the matter worse is the hero's bored expression.

2002: - for most voters one word said it all: zombie. Many, many voters compared him to a cast member from Night of the Living Dead, and no one seemed too surprised that he was "solitary."
-how can he be a sexy hero if he's a zombie after your braaaains?

2004: LD - Okay we don't need voters for this one I can cover it. what the heck are they doing and how?
other comments:
-Nancy: "Ummm..what are they doing? I mean really, is it what it looks like? He's either doing her a favor, or she's just killed him and is trying to drag him into the backseat so she can hide the body."
-Michelle: It's simply a grab bag of images pasted onto the page. Here a torso, here a leg, there a hand ... Very uncomfortable and the car door looks uncomfortably like a shot gun in the male back.
-Shelly: "I'm completely confused about what it's showing. They're in a car right? Are those the heroine's legs going through the roof? Or is he with a guy? Because that hand on his waist looks masculine to me. I guess it could be a MxMxF threesome in a backseat. And a paranormal one at that, if the lightning shooting out of his butt is any indication. Plus the scene out the window makes it look like they're floating through space - I hope the windows have good seals. Sheesh. So the cover tells me this is about a ménage a trois in a spaceship designed by aliens with Earth auto fetishes, in which the lightning propelled buttocks of one man thrust him with such vigor into the woman she kicks a hole in the ceiling, causing an air leak into space that they must figure out how to stop before they die. Let's hope that other guy is MacGyver. Did I get it right?"

2005: - Wasn’t this guy the cyborg in the 2nd Terminator movie? Too weird. And his legs look like toothpicks.
- He looks like one of those cheap rubber "action" figures that aren't flexible enough to move the arms and legs.
- “Eww! Half man, half ... ALIEN? Plus, he looks constipated. And could the colors be any weirder??

2006: - ...Where, I ask you, is her other leg?
- I think when they're done, they'll need skin patches and a chiropractor! Looks like a painful interlude to me..
- why would you be rock climbing with no shoes? In a evening dress! And I'm sure it was no easy trip on him either with no shirt. I guess it doesn't matter since the tsunami is going to kill them both.

2008: - the flames and lightning bolts shooting out of his pants are disconcerting & the way the model is staring at his crotch in surprise is not reassuring.
- ...I saw on the Weather Channel that crotch lightning is the most dangerous type of lightning there is.
- ..Nothing says romance like a guy being electrocuted. Look, it’s even blown his fly open! Perhaps the stunned look on his face means he’s realized his crotch is on fire.

2009: LD - I'm thinking of making this my nomination :)
A flaming car coming out of the guy's crotch, isn't that going to hurt?

Want to add some other cringe worthy examples? Feel free to post them in the comments. Or you can be involved, 2009 nominations in progress (best & worst).

Music: Miles Davis
Currently reading: 'A Time of Omens' by Katharine Kerr.
The 15th and last book in her Deverry series is now out (and my Christmas present - yay me) so I'm re-reading the entire series. These early books are going pretty fast because I've read them so often. This is one of my all time favorite fantasy series. It's long but it's worth it - and now she's finished you know exactly how many books there are (and that she's not going to do a Robert Jordan and die before it's finished).


Jess Anastasi said...

OMG, my stomach hurts. This was hil-aaarious. Thanks for putting it together.

Anonymous said...

OMG. The comments cracked me up! I'm with Jess. hil-aaarious!

Anonymous said...

ROFLOL OY I don't know which one I though was funnier.There were just too many that rank way up there on the *groan* list. I can't decide between "Girl with her hand in his pocket" or the Blaze "what are they doing?" I had to stare at that one for a bit for it to even make sense in my brain what I was looking at :)

AllureVanSanz said...

Damned, Delicious and Dangerous = Self streudel nightmare.

I laughed really, really hard at the final comment for the cover "For Love Of A Pirate".

Thanks for the giggles!

Jana Richards said...

Hi Louise,
This was so funny! My vote goes to the cover where the heroine has her hand in the guy's pants. Too bad he's not enjoying it!

Maybe the art department should start giving us authors some say. We couldn't do any worse!


A Muser said...

Dude, terrible covers, but yet strangely beautiful.... ;)

Christine Morgan said...

Suzanne Brockmann just reissued Get Lucky with a new cover. She calls the old one, pillsbury dough boy. LOL.
The new one is better. :)