27 August 2013

Amusing Amazon Review

Everyone who's ever wondered around Amazon reading reviews knows some are good, some are bad, and some...funny.

Amazon has complied some of the more amusing:
Here's a sample:

Three Wolf Shirt
"Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather."
"I believe that wearing this t-shirt has made me a better man, which is remarkable because, well....I'm a chick."
"I had a two-wolf shirt for a while and I didn't think life could get any better. I was wrong. Life got 50% better, no lie."

Banana Slicer
"What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone?"
"Gone are the days of biting off slice-sized chunks of banana and spitting them onto a serving tray…. Next on my wish list: a kitchen tool for dividing frozen water into cube-sized chunks.”
"As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.”

BIC Ball Pen - For her

"I don't use it for vulgar endeavors like math or filling out a voter application, but BIC Cristal for Her is a lovely little writing utensil all the same. Ask your husband for some extra pocket money so you can buy one today!"
"This product is fantastic for those days when my prose is suffering from that not-so-fresh feeling."

Horse Head Mask
"It's not big enough to completely cover a horse's head, and it doesn't provide enough air flow for them, either."
"By wearing this mask, I was able to get anything and everything I needed. Plenty of hay, lots of time to run and, best of all, I no longer have to wear pants."
"It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways."

Milk, 1 gallon
"Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!"
"Do you have any idea where this stuff comes from? It's excreted by squeezing the wobbly thingie on the UNDERSIDE OF A COW! That's hardly made clear anywhere on the label."
"They really need to put a warning label on this thing. Apparently, if you put it into your body, it turns into urine. Urine!"

Uranium Ore
"I was very disappointed to have my uranium confiscated at the airport. It was a gift for my son for his birthday. Also, I'm in prison now, so that's not good either."
"It is not cat food…. The cat's huge and well, doesn't really look much like a cat anymore."
"I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty."

Wheelmate Laptop Steering wheel desk
"It's OK Iguess, but the bumpy road majkes it hard to type. And theree's a lot of pedeestrians and traffic that keep distracting me fromm my computer."
"I love emailing the Highway patrol while I drive to let them know the tag numbers of cell phone using drivers."
"I'm using it right now to post this review and I never"

06 August 2013

Crystal Paths

I don't often post bits of my writing here, but I thought after last weeks depressing story we needed something fictional and light. Below is a snippet of a story (still a work in progress) called Crystal Paths. I hope you enjoy it :)

Caroline looked up as the bells above her shop door chimed. The figure in the doorway stepped inside and blinked against the gloom. She cast a practised eye over her potential client. Tall, dark haired and quite good looking, but there was an air of insecurity about him, in the way he held his shoulders and flicked his eyes nervously.
Good afternoon. How can I help you?” she asked cheerily.
“Are you the lady who tells… fortunes?” His deep voice was hesitant.
She shook her head, ringlets bumping her cheeks. “I don’t predict the future, I see possibilities. The future’s not set in stone. We choose our own path at every fork in the road. ”
            What do you do, look into a crystal ball?” His voice took on a subtly sceptical tone.
            “Yes.” The bluntness of her reply, as well as its content, clearly startled him.
            She crossed her arms and forced herself to keep the annoyance of her face. It irked her when people came to her looking for answers, but treated her like a fraud. Either they believed or they didn’t. If they didn’t she wished they would take their incredulous attitude elsewhere.
            “Umm…” His hesitancy returned. “Would you look and see what it shows for me?”
            She took a deep breath and smiled, although she wasn’t sure if it reached her eyes. “Certainly. My charges are on the wall. I will shut the shop then we can start.”
            He shuffled his feet as she made her way around the counter and over to the door. A faint scent of bourbon tickled her nose as she passed him. She darted a glance under lashes. His eyes and skin were clear, he wasn’t drunk. Nonetheless, for the smell to be in his clothes and pores, didn’t bode well.
            What would her crystal ball show her of the path that brought him here, and the places he could go when he stepped out her shop?  She flicked her sign to closed and latched the door.
            The sooner they started, the sooner she’d know. She set off towards the back of the shop and gestured for him to follow. “This way please.”
            She wound her way past shelves filled with scented candles, tarot cards, and other knickknacks, then stepped into a small room at the very back of the shop. The smell of old incense lingered amongst the brightly coloured fabrics decorating the room.
She’d set up this room up shortly after she opened her business. She’d wanted people to be comfortable—seeing what they expected to see. She frowned as a tassel brushed her shoulder. Lately the bright colours, fringes and fabrics seemed jarring and tacky. She pushed away the need to redecorate as her client entered the room on her heels. She had a mystery to solve.
            She settled herself behind a small table and slid a soft blue cloth off her crystal ball.
“Please sit.” She gestured to a chair when the man hovered in the doorway.
            He hesitated for a moment, then straightened his shoulders and hurried over. Pulling out the chair roughly, he sat with a thump. His gaze leaving the crystal ball briefly to look at her face, then returning to the device that might be his window into the future.
 “I need you to touch the ball with the ring finger of your left hand. I can’t direct what the ball shows me, but if there is anything in particular you’d like help with hold that in your mind.” She smiled reassuringly. “Are you ready?”
            He nodded, then cleared his throat. “Yes, yes I’m ready.” His head lowered as he concentrated on placing his finger on the ball.
            Caroline took a deep breath, then another, concentrating on bringing her breathing into a slow deep pattern. When a core of light burned brightly in her mind, she cupped her hands palms up above the surface of the ball and started to chant. The words were gibberish but people expected her to say something. Over the years she’d found they made a nice mantra for focusing her attention.
As the light inside her burned hotter, she slowly tipped her hands as if she were pouring the contents of her cupped hands over the surface of the ball. The polished crystal started to glow gently.
Across from her she, he started, pulling back slightly. Ignoring him, she gently moved her hands down until they virtually touched the surface of the ball. Bringing her head closer she gazed into its glowing depths.
The light started to clear. It was as if she were watching the parting of clouds.