Amusing Amazon Review

Everyone who's ever wondered around Amazon reading reviews knows some are good, some are bad, and some...funny.

Amazon has complied some of the more amusing:
Here's a sample:

Three Wolf Shirt

"Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather."

overlook1977

"I believe that wearing this t-shirt has made me a better man, which is remarkable because, well....I'm a chick."

Diane P.

"I had a two-wolf shirt for a while and I didn't think life could get any better. I was wrong. Life got 50% better, no lie."

Seth G. Macy

Banana Slicer

"What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone?"

Mrs Toledo

"Gone are the days of biting off slice-sized chunks of banana and spitting them onto a serving tray…. Next on my wish list: a kitchen tool for dividing frozen water into cube-sized chunks.”

N. Krumpe

"As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.”

J. Anderson

BIC Ball Pen - For her

"I don't use it for vulgar endeavors like math or filling out a voter application, but BIC Cristal for Her is a lovely little writing utensil all the same. Ask your husband for some extra pocket money so you can buy one today!"

E. Bradley

"This product is fantastic for those days when my prose is suffering from that not-so-fresh feeling."

K. Gray

"HULK SAD. HULK DEMAND BIC FOR HIM."

Brittany

Horse Head Mask

"It's not big enough to completely cover a horse's head, and it doesn't provide enough air flow for them, either."

Selig7

"By wearing this mask, I was able to get anything and everything I needed. Plenty of hay, lots of time to run and, best of all, I no longer have to wear pants."

T. C. Zimmermann

"It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways."

ByronicHero

Milk, 1 gallon

"Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!"

J. Fitzsimmons

"Do you have any idea where this stuff comes from? It's excreted by squeezing the wobbly thingie on the UNDERSIDE OF A COW! That's hardly made clear anywhere on the label."

MoLaw

"They really need to put a warning label on this thing. Apparently, if you put it into your body, it turns into urine. Urine!"

E. Bonheim

Uranium Ore

"I was very disappointed to have my uranium confiscated at the airport. It was a gift for my son for his birthday. Also, I'm in prison now, so that's not good either."

C.A. Lankford

"It is not cat food…. The cat's huge and well, doesn't really look much like a cat anymore."

Kellie

"I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty."

Patrick J. McGovern

Wheelmate Laptop Steering wheel desk

"It's OK Iguess, but the bumpy road majkes it hard to type. And theree's a lot of pedeestrians and traffic that keep distracting me fromm my computer."

John Meinken

"I love emailing the Highway patrol while I drive to let them know the tag numbers of cell phone using drivers."

Min Byong Chang

"I'm using it right now to post this review and I never"

Michael McCollough

Crystal Paths

I don't often post bits of my writing here, but I thought after last weeks depressing story we needed something fictional and light. Below is a snippet of a story (still a work in progress) called Crystal Paths. I hope you enjoy it :)

Caroline looked up as the bells above her shop door chimed. The figure in the doorway stepped inside and blinked against the gloom. She cast a practised eye over her potential client. Tall, dark haired and quite good looking, but there was an air of insecurity about him, in the way he held his shoulders and flicked his eyes nervously.

“Good afternoon. How can I help you?” she asked cheerily.

“Are you the lady who tells… fortunes?” His deep voice was hesitant.

She shook her head, ringlets bumping her cheeks. “I don’t predict the future, I see possibilities. The future’s not set in stone. We choose our own path at every fork in the road. ”

            “What do you do, look into a crystal ball?” His voice took on a subtly sceptical tone.

            “Yes.” The bluntness of her reply, as well as its content, clearly startled him.

            She crossed her arms and forced herself to keep the annoyance of her face. It irked her when people came to her looking for answers, but treated her like a fraud. Either they believed or they didn’t. If they didn’t she wished they would take their incredulous attitude elsewhere.

            “Umm…” His hesitancy returned. “Would you look and see what it shows for me?”

            She took a deep breath and smiled, although she wasn’t sure if it reached her eyes. “Certainly. My charges are on the wall. I will shut the shop then we can start.”

            He shuffled his feet as she made her way around the counter and over to the door. A faint scent of bourbon tickled her nose as she passed him. She darted a glance under lashes. His eyes and skin were clear, he wasn’t drunk. Nonetheless, for the smell to be in his clothes and pores, didn’t bode well.

            What would her crystal ball show her of the path that brought him here, and the places he could go when he stepped out her shop?  She flicked her sign to closed and latched the door.

            The sooner they started, the sooner she’d know. She set off towards the back of the shop and gestured for him to follow. “This way please.”

            She wound her way past shelves filled with scented candles, tarot cards, and other knickknacks, then stepped into a small room at the very back of the shop. The smell of old incense lingered amongst the brightly coloured fabrics decorating the room.

She’d set up this room up shortly after she opened her business. She’d wanted people to be comfortable—seeing what they expected to see. She frowned as a tassel brushed her shoulder. Lately the bright colours, fringes and fabrics seemed jarring and tacky. She pushed away the need to redecorate as her client entered the room on her heels. She had a mystery to solve.

            She settled herself behind a small table and slid a soft blue cloth off her crystal ball.

“Please sit.” She gestured to a chair when the man hovered in the doorway.

            He hesitated for a moment, then straightened his shoulders and hurried over. Pulling out the chair roughly, he sat with a thump. His gaze leaving the crystal ball briefly to look at her face, then returning to the device that might be his window into the future.

 “I need you to touch the ball with the ring finger of your left hand. I can’t direct what the ball shows me, but if there is anything in particular you’d like help with hold that in your mind.” She smiled reassuringly. “Are you ready?”

            He nodded, then cleared his throat. “Yes, yes I’m ready.” His head lowered as he concentrated on placing his finger on the ball.

            Caroline took a deep breath, then another, concentrating on bringing her breathing into a slow deep pattern. When a core of light burned brightly in her mind, she cupped her hands palms up above the surface of the ball and started to chant. The words were gibberish but people expected her to say something. Over the years she’d found they made a nice mantra for focusing her attention.

As the light inside her burned hotter, she slowly tipped her hands as if she were pouring the contents of her cupped hands over the surface of the ball. The polished crystal started to glow gently.

Across from her she, he started, pulling back slightly. Ignoring him, she gently moved her hands down until they virtually touched the surface of the ball. Bringing her head closer she gazed into its glowing depths.

The light started to clear. It was as if she were watching the parting of clouds.

Undercover lovers

Last week we had a feel good, real life love story. However, I'm mean. This week we're going to balance that out with something more gritty, less happily ever after.

This less than heart warming story is about women who fell in love with undercover police officers, while they were undercover. The full article is about four women, in particular Charlotte.

Charlotte 22, was a fringe member of an animal rights movement when she met Bob. They started dating and he encouraged her to get more involved, as he himself was doing. Bob was Charlotte's first serious boyfriend and fell she fell in love. Within a few months the pair were established in the radical protest movement, Bob had also effectively moved in with Charlotte.

Except Bob wasn't really Bob at all.

Bob was really Robert Lambert a member of a top-secret unit of the London police. He'd joined the police at 25, within three years he was a member of special branch, from there he was recruited into the Special Demonstration Squad. It was while he was a member of this squad that he met Charlotte.

One of the hardest things for undercover officers is turning up with no friends or family to vouch for them, Bob had Charlotte. Five days a week he spent his time with Charlotte and working to get deeper into the protest movement  The other two days he spent with his wife and children.

That's right, this man already had a wife, and a life outside the one he was living with Charlotte. Of course, that's not a surprise, undercover officers have a separate life, the surprise to me was the wife and children. Soon those were not his only children - he went on to have son with Charlotte.

Eighteen months after the birth of his son, 'Bob' instigated the breakdown of his relationship with Charlotte. He was ready to move on, to Karen who thought she had found Mr Right. Eventually Bob told both women (he was still seeing Charlotte and his son) that he was escaping the authorities by running to Spain. In reality his time undercover was over, he was being promoted.

I can't see this story as anything less than the betrayal of a wife, and the absentee fatherhood of her children, the unnecessary heartbreak of two other women (& in Charlotte's case phycological trauma when she eventually discovered how she'd been used), and the cruel abandonment of a son.

So, unlike late week, this is not a story with a happy ending.

To balance out the trauma of that story I'm going to let you leave with some sunshine, lollypops & rainbows (The Sound of Music was sure that would be the cure).

Marrying his forgotten sweetheart

As a romance writer I love real life stories which tug the heart strings. I was mooching around on the guardian when I came across a story about a woman who married her childhood sweetheart after he lost  his memory.

Jane was surprised when Kevin rang her out of the blue. Surprised because 8 years earlier she'd been dumped because he decided he'd rather play football and hang out with his mates. The 14 year old Jane had been heartbroken (in I'm sure classic teenage fashion). Now she was sure the call was a joke. What could he possibly want? Something else bothered her, he sounded completely different.

Kevin had been in a motorcycle accident, suffered a brain injury and as a result lost his memory. His doctors had suggested he reconnect with people from his past and try to trigger those lost memories. On Friends Reunited he'd spotted her name and decided to call her. Now he needed to know if he was right, did she know him? Could she, would she, help him try to recover his memories?

A sensible woman, Jane called his mum to check the facts. It was true. She decided to help him.

During their trips to old haunts, and talking about the past, Jane discovered the new man Kevin had become. What's more she like him. He wasn't the boy with surfer-style hair. He was a man who had suffered and fought to overcome.

One day they visited the place they'd first kissed as teenagers. It was here Kevin asked if he could kiss her again. She was delighted. That kiss was the start of a wonderful new relationship for them both.

Although I'm sure like any relationship this one still has it's ups and downs, when it comes to the story telling aspect it has a perfect ending. Kevin's moods stabilised and he regained his memories. They married and had twins. Together they are making wonderful new memories.

It's not everyday life gives us a happy ending :) Hope you enjoyed this one. 

New Cover! Embraced by Fire

I've got wonderful news to share with you - Wild Rose Press has contracted my latest book :)
And I've got my new cover to share with you.
I don't yet have a release date, but I'll let you know as soon as I do.

My new cover for EMBRACED BY FIRE.

A secret agent working undercover as a fire-eater,
this man is as dangerous as the fire with which he plays.

As some of you noted I originally forgot to add any succulent details about the story.
So here's the blurb as requested:

          The last thing Ryu McKay needs on a mission to expose a black market information ring is a simmering attraction to his boss. Not only is he undercover, he needs to keep his shape-shifter identity a secret. Despite his desire, he dare not act on his attraction.

          For Kait, excitement and that one special man exist only in her dreams.  However, everything changes when Ryu walks into her office looking for a job as a fire-eater.  Now she wants nothing more than to turn her dreams into reality.

          Kait’s attraction to Ryu grows, but can it survive the secrets he's hiding?  Like the fire with which he plays, this man is dangerous.

Food Art Death

No, you didn't read that wrong. Food, art & death - what could they all have in common. Food & art - sure, any great chef will tell you food is art. Food & death - sure, any great poisoner will tell you food can lead to death. Come to think of it, a lot of doctors will tell you the same thing. But all three together...

Tasha Marks, a food historian makes edible art. The piece that caught my attention was a chocolate skull. There you have it, food, art & death.

Not that she limits herself to death, she makes marzipan bees and frankincense sweets, ambergris lozenge and...  well you get the idea. Ms Marks runs a boutique food company called Animal Vegetable Mineral.

She talks about using food as art as combining the silly with the cerebral. To see more about her food adventure check out the BBC interview with her.

Dumb ways to die - parody

Last week I posted the winner of the Cannes Lions award for best TV advertising campaign in the world (winner: Melbourne's Metro Trains safety message).

This week, how can we ignore them, some parodies :)

Dumb way to die (in video games)


Dumb way to die (in movies)


Despite posting these, I find it's the original I like best :)